The Fear of a Thing

"I've just had an apostrophe." I am hands down terrified of a lot of things. I'm scared of snakes and spiders, large predatory animals, long free falls. I'm quite afraid of the miles of water below me as I swim and I'm not keen on getting lost in either a foreign country or a legit wilderness. I almost tremble with fear when a big failure seems inevitable. I even forbid myself to look stupid unintentionally. Really you could say I'm just a pansy. A good, old-fashioned pansy.

I think we're all scared, and it's not just of one or two things. We each have a list. Some things we don't realize are on the list. Some things once were not anywhere near the list but now cling to it greedily. I know this about you and you know this about me, without us really knowing each other. It's an assumption we make for all humanity because fear is a gigantic (that's right, bringing the original back) part of humanity. So why is it that we hide it?

For me, it's because I don't want to be thought weak. My opinion of myself says I should be able to do anything because so-and-so did it and he had no problem. That doesn't mean I WANT to do everything. I just like to know that I can, if required. But this has all had years to settle in my head, and the answer slowly coming to me is one I don't much like so far.

I am not invincible. I am not bulletproof. I don't have indestructible armor for skin, nor does my mind have a cool, objective view of what surrounds me. I am not what I pretend to be. I'm not perfect.

But I so want to be!

How do we deal with this? I say "we" because I know I'm not the only one with progress hindered by fear. It's a constant part of life, yet I ignore it and avoid it. But that doesn't make it disappear or blast it from existence. It's safe to say I think I'm safer when I don't think about my fear at all. If I never stopped thinking about snakes, I'd seriously be in a nut house, curled up on that little metal-frame bed in the corner. I wouldn't be able to do anything. Most fears are small enough that they give a push of adrenaline, which usually helps me get through pretty well. But the big ones? They can inspire enough terror to paralyze. People deal with this in three ways.

• First, they don't. They can't get a grip on it and so end up on that little metal-frame bed I mentioned earlier with someone constantly caring for them.
• Second, they forget it. At some point, if they can remember that at this very moment nothing is wrong and nothing can hurt them, there's a better chance that they'll focus on other things. And a lot of those other things are actually things they're pretty great at.
• Lastly, they face it. Think of this as the thrill-seeker option. For instance, I find sharks decently intimidating and horror-inspiring. But I absolutely love them, partly because they scare me. People feel a need to make weaknesses strong, and this is one way they can do so.

Let's talk a little more about that last one. Obviously, if you're mortified of heights, you're not going to book a skydiving gig for the next morning. It takes more than that. Here is a perfect moment to utilize the ever-popular phrase "knowledge is power". And it IS power! With my lovely shark fear, I watched documentaries. I not only made sure to learn how to deal with them face-to-face, but I learned about their anatomy. I learned which ones live where. Which are most/least dangerous. I essentially made them that celebrity you stalk who should probably be your best friend. I know them backward and forward without being one step nearer to them. And you know what? I admire them now. Knowing can be a wonderfully empowering feeling.

Maybe you won't come to admire the view from an airplane window or embrace the wide open spaces of prairie lands (I know, I'm getting into all sorts of old school vocabulary), but you WILL feel better! You will feel more control over your fear! You won't worry about it catching you unaware. Because you prepared yourself, you can move on and do something about what you love instead. And maybe you won't conquer that heart-thumping completely. Maybe you'll have to be like me–I watch scary movies to scare myself silly, so when the time comes to be scared I've already used the emotion up, then I simply face the battle, no fear raging. But the point is, there is life and discovery and achievement beyond fear. It's there waiting for you and me, if only we can hold on tight and worry about one thing at a time. Preferably the thing in front of us, not the one haunting the dark corners of our minds.

Awesome_

Early Mornings and How I Manipulate Them

It's 5:00 AM. Why wouldn't I be awake?

Ok, in all honesty, this isn't routine for me. I mean, I wake up this early when I have work, but having 12-hour shifts means it still happens only a few times a week and not everyday. So why am I awake? Let's tell a happier version of this story first.

I work at a hospital, which means how much I work is directly related to how many patients are admitted to the Med/Surg floor or the ICU. Now most days I go to work like always, keep my desk super organized, and enjoy the chatter of my fellow employees. But once in awhile I get this call at 4:30 AM saying, "Surprise, you're not coming to work today! Spend your time as you will, but don't go too far. You know, just in case we need you later." Usually at this point I am quite happy to oblige. I immediately roll over in bed and look at this next session of sleep as a redo for the night I just tossed and turned, worried about missing my alarm go off and being late.

This is not that day. This is the day where, after I hang up the phone, I'm suddenly insomniatic. Hard as I try, there's no way my mind is letting go of consciousness. So I get up anyway while the town around me sleeps a precious few more hours. It drives me crazy. Granted, I never get tired of pointing out in later conversations how much earlier I have to wake up, giving me a false but very satisfying sense of importance and productivity.

But really, I love my sleep. I absolutely adore my sleep! And this is how I repay myself. It's not even worth it because there's no way I'll start getting things done anytime before 7:00. More likely 8:00. The only things I do this early in the morning are work and jumprope. So with this unique morning occurrence, I've taken to film. Who doesn't like a good movie in the morning? I like it for several reasons.

First, watching movies is most often saved for the late evenings. At the end of the day, after working hard and accomplishing a lot of things we didn't want to do in the first place, we can finally back off and indulge in some entertainment whilst being glued to an inviting sofa. It's a classic schedule. Therefore, pretty much anytime you watch a movie, there's a sense of relief and relaxation to be received. Experiencing this in the morning before most people begin their day, well, that's priceless. You already feel like you have all the time in the world to have a nice full day. I like this because I feel like I'm on top of everything. List is made and tasks are all accounted for, unable to escape.

Second, my dear family saves film viewing for Christmas morning (when we're presented with a large stack of movies we already own on VHS) and long hours of travel. In this instance, movies create a faux air of vacation and endless time to kill. You may realize that this result is very similar to that of the example above. Well let me tell you, this is an important thing for a person who is me. Or I guess like me in some personality traits. Let's delve into my mind a bit. But not too much. No one wants to go there.

My personality is dominated by one thing: organization. Not such a big deal, you say. Now here are some terms associated with and built on that one word. Structure. Perfectionism. Detail-oriented. By the book. Mulitasker. So you see where I'm going with this? When my day starts, it's all lists and doing all the right things in the right order and in the right way. I can get easily stressed when the smallest of glitches comes along, and as if that's not bad enough, I'm now more prone to lose myself emotionally. I don't think I've ever had a day come back from that. If I start crying over something stupid, there's no saving it unless I take a nap and receive the false sense of a new day. (You may be realizing that much of my survival banks on convincing myself of positive things. So whether really there or not, by the end of the day I've made the positive real.)

This whole "Movie in the Morning" thing is actually a fantastic one for me. It creates a  sense of calm and control for the rest of my day. So no matter how crazily askew it becomes, I can fix it or simply let it go if I have to. It's like taming myself. I know it's a trick, but I go along with it anyway. You know, for the greater good.

And if I've pre-planned a nap as well, man, I'm definitely going places that day.

Awesome_